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Tuesday, 10 August 2010

  • We're all drugged

    There was a fair wind along with the rain today. Riding out on the motorbike felt like bliss. Then today I had the opportunity to walk through the culture center, in a soft comfortable dress, to keep the trees company.

     

    I wondered what kept me happy. Some people are continuously dour but we shall not speak of them today. (I wonder how they can stay alive – would not one rather be happily alive than dourly alive? One should rather be dead than unhappily alive. Is sensate pain so much more desirable than no sensation at all? But I run ahead of myself. For so far there is no proof of what lies beyond death other than what we fancy. And unfortunately as a biologist I fancy a rather insensate non-existence.)

     

    The question of what keeps us alive, in my calculations, is either happiness, or dour perseverance. Linda and I were discussing a mutual friend today (gossiping), and I made the statement that this person was not really happy being alive, despite being brilliant and living life to the hilt as it were. I was not aware how true I felt the statement to be until I made it. And unfortunately I have compared myself to this friend frequently, and finding we are very much alike, have kept my distance. People rarely like to be reminded of their own faults, and in someone so similar to themselves we are like being forced to gaze upon a mirror that in no way accentuates the makeup you put on, the hair you did and the new dress you bought.

     

    And this brings me to the question : What makes us happy? What keeps us alive?

     

    I was very unhappy to find that the list consisted of many material things, many material activities, and many things that require both a certain position in life and the compliance of others – their willing and cheerful company, as it were. For that is what friendships and lovers are.

     

    Do I have the spiritual capacity that would allow me to be happy even if deprived of all this?

     

    Am I so empty that I must require the company of books, of fine music, of charming company, of lovely scents and architecture, of my crafts that allow creation, of luscious food, of the liberty of a wind blowing through sunshine, through trees, for my happiness? For my life’s sustenance?

     

    It makes me feel like a perfectly wretched parasite of life.

     

    I want to love without wanting to rescind my love for fear of it not being returned. I want to give because it is a quality of my spirit to wish others happy. But most importantly, I want the strength of character that will allow me to be happy when there is no reason to be, and with enough strength to lend to others and light up their existence. There is nothing so beautiful as the light we humans can exude with our spirit.

     

  • You asshole

    What unspeakable silence

    These questions unsaid

    Dignity imposed or forsaken

    Your love hanging by a thread

    This love never to be spoken

    Nor nourished, never fed

    I wish I could look upon your face

    And see what mercy or cruelty

    Can induce such a sentence, of silence

     

    I cannot betray my love

    For it is already forgotten

    When I think of you my hand shakes

    In anger. At your cowardice

    Speak, or forever hold your silence

    If the latter were so easy a cup to take

    Then death must have come easy to Socrates

    When he forsook what he loved

    For what he did not know

     

Wednesday, 04 August 2010

  • 如果呢?

    中國每年過節到頭的呢怪要來了。 這個時節，家家戶戶張燈彩結，串鞭炮，好不熱鬧。

    顏姥姥這生命都已經走一遭了，不知道今年為什麼魂骨子又被趕著起來要重新來過。她望這灰矇矇這城市的清晨向自己向天公過去的四十年前一樣，路上清空著，只有很少得起來打掃的晨婆和打飯的…

    她寡婦的日子過了近二十年了，每年過節也沒甚麼特別的，今年卻多了點色彩 – 那被人家留在門口小布巄東的東西還蠻可愛的。

    呢怪來是個家家歡迎的日子，店家也要沾個喜。小李子開的店今年就要擺個呢怪主題，他在門下站著笑，手中拿個刀，你看?不就像個呢的樣子嗎?這樣或許就不用花錢像其它店一樣買呢童來把店裡用的吵不巄東的。

    誰聽過女孩子會劈腿的? 大部分女孩子腳彎個差不多就可以看了，師傅武功有教男孩劈腿，沒聽過師傅在女孩劈腿。可是那姑娘就特別奇怪，到了個年紀看到隔院的男孩子練功她竟然一聲不響也可以摺出個模樣來! 每每打掃身段還會隨人家音樂擺得不錯看。

    那閨女在家平常沒事，也沒要求她什麼很乖順。青少年時後變了，不怎麼練武功，開始聽一些古典樂，偶爾這樣，不久就自殺了。

    小李子還是決定請呢童到店裡面來了，他的主題藝術似乎不太得到顧客的了解。他不好意思的拿了紅包和青蔥給剛進來的呢童，現在呢童在店裡表演，顧客看得好不高興呢!

    顏姥姥知道這段路要讓她從新來過有甚麼用意了，她看著手中娃兒好不溫馨。這次，她要盯她緊一點，叫她多練習，搞不定有機會她會成一個芭蕾舞家!

    有時，生命的不一樣，來自那多一分的努力。

    I couldn’t fall asleep, and then slept only fitfully, with weird fragments of dreams that pierced my consciousness. At one point I was a ghost of an old lady, a sales clerk worried about his New Year’s display, a baby, a young girl… and two other characters I’ve forgotten. They were all set in a clean version of old Beijing that looked like Taipei’s older sectors, with an un-dense population. I woke up shallowly and pieced together this story. Then repeated it to myself in my mind in the darkness with my eyes closed until I could be sure that it wouldn’t slip through my fingers – then got up to type it up.

    Some of it has still slipped. I believe sometimes dreams serve as a way of telling us the answers to what we are concerned about, what next step should we take in life? This one, convoluted and seemingly irrelevant as it were, turned out to do that for me personally as well. I will not tell you exactly what I was concerned about as it concerns my own ambitions and to tell you beforehand what I am not even sure I can do would be candy to the mind of an optimist and satisfy me so much I might not do it after all.

    What I’d like to share is what my dream is, and what it meant, because I’m sure that it’ll mean something to everyone. The setting is in an alter-reality of China. And in this alter reality the culture is not to fear the year beast, but to love it. This year the beast comes in the form of the 呢 monster, and he signifies the end of the sentence that asks questions such as ‘what if?’ ‘如果呢?’. An old woman ghost, in a kind of Ebenezer Scrooge attitude, is rather grudgingly made to redo a part of her life journey (in this, she is luckier than Scrooge, though already dying once). While traveling to her old body and spirit, she recalls what she did in her life, not understanding why she should be made to do this. Isn’t life just this way? Intersect the confusion of being a shopkeeper and baby (oh, that’s me, the dreamer!), then the story of a girl, and someone saying ‘It’s not natural that girls can split like boys’ (I’m as flexible as a cardboard, so this story is definitely not about me, but it’s the morale that matters) and growing up slightly, then in her room listening to classical music, then the narrative says that she killed herself.

    Then the old woman decides that in this life, she’s going to ‘supervise’ the girl a little more, and make her work harder, so that she might become a ballerina.

    I love freedom. But a little discipline, a little order in life, is exactly what keeps life. It’s what makes it worth living. And working a little harder to have that order in life, to reach what one may become, be mold oneself despite it being less comfortable to one, into a creature that can make something out of life – order, beauty, truth… that’s what makes a life worthier of being. It is easy to be free with one’s gifts, and work only a little in life, and end up in a little job that really doesn’t do much, doesn’t require much work either, but one can be very content in that and not worry… But what do we really want out of life? What do we really want out of ourselves?

    I think the having the old lady there to ‘supervise’ the girl was a detail that became subconsciously embedded after watching Sheela Iyengar on TED telling about how different cultures may view choice. Absolutely fascinating. Here, I’ll attaché the link.

    http://www.ted.com/talks/sheena_iyengar_on_the_art_of_choosing.html

    Now it’s nearly 5 in the morning and I may have something to do tomorrow. So hopefully I can finally go to sleep with a ‘clear conscious’.

Tuesday, 29 June 2010

  • Borrowing

    I peer into the aisle and locate Jimmy. He's purusing a pile of comic books. I wonder briefly how, if ever, he studies. Just like me, he occupies his time in the library, and not necessarily in scholastic pursuits. My grades are less than perfunctory, so how does he cope?

    I sidle up to him. 'Hi,' I start, forgoing with names, as I've never learnt his. Jimmy is just a name I'm calling him here. It would definitely be impolite to call him a made up name to his face. Turn off the supplication altogether. 'Hi, could you lend me 10NT? I owe the library money for - for due books and can't borrow more until I return it and since I seem to run into you a lot...'

    'I don't live in the dorm, so I'm here in the library a lot.' he explains. He smiles and gets up. There is this gap between his teeth that used to be only a gap of one tooth and now there's two. Close up I realize it's chipped, I peer into the aisle and locate Jimmy. He's purusing a pile of comic books. I wonder briefly how, if ever, he studies. Just like me, he occupies his time in the library, and not necessarily in scholastic pursuits. My grades are less than perfunctory, so how does he cope?

    I sidle up to him. 'Hi,' I start, forgoing with names, as I've never learnt his. Jimmy is just a name I'm calling him here. It would definitely be impolite to call him a made up name to his face. Turn off the supplication altogether. 'Hi, could you lend me 10NT? I owe the library money for - for due books and can't borrow more until I return it and since I seem to run into you a lot...'

    'I don't live in the dorm, so I'm here in the library a lot.' he explains. He smiles and gets up. There is this gap between his teeth that used to be only a gap of one tooth and now there's two. Close up I realize it's chipped, clean up, the stubs small sharp futile whites peeking over pink stubs. He should have that capped - I wonder if you can apply for insurance having your teeth capped? Certainly having your front teeth chipped off like that accounts for a medical debiliation. Government health insurance doesn't pay for any aesthetic dental work, but it must be difficult trying to eat like that.

    He says he left  his purse somewhere else and goes to get it, asking where I'll be. 'Right here.' I say cheerily, without the presence of mind to ask for his number. It proves to be my downfall, for the brief inquiry in the library office turns into a lesson about how to use the search system. Not that I'm not grateful - the lady was exceedingly kind - but someone may be waiting for me downstairs. Thus it is that I do not meet him. I wait 2 hours. Then go in search of new prey.

    I find him sitting in front of a computer, an hour after I'd seen him settle down. I lean in close, but not close enough so there is a direct line between my mouth and his nose. I had a banana for breakfast and forgot my toothbrush, better safe than sorry. He notices my presence. 'Hi...' pause as I search my memory banks 'Shane.' He grins, impishly and nods. I've never met anyone who has his ability to looke so charmingly teasing as he. It takes my breath away. But being a church brother, I've long since designated him off-limits. Realistic as I am, I would make a very disappointing wife for a church brother. 'Could you lend me 10 NT? I owe library dues.'

    He digs in his small wallet for the coin and hands it to me. I smile, mutter thanks, and skip in delight away to the pile of books I'd set aside for my taking home.clean up, the stubs small sharp futile whites peeking over pink stubs. He should have that capped - I wonder if you can apply for insurance having your teeth capped? Certainly having your front teeth chipped off like that accounts for a medical debiliation. Government health insurance doesn't pay for any aesthetic dental work, but it must be difficult trying to eat like that.

    He says he left  his purse somewhere else and goes to get it, asking where I'll be. 'Right here.' I say cheerily, without the presence of mind to ask for his number. It proves to be my downfall, for the brief inquiry in the library office turns into a lesson about how to use the search system. Not that I'm not grateful - the lady was exceedingly kind - but someone may be waiting for me downstairs. Thus it is that I do not meet him. I wait 2 hours. Then go in search of new prey.

    I find him sitting in front of a computer, an hour after I'd seen him settle down. I lean in close, but not close enough so there is a direct line between my mouth and his nose. I had a banana for breakfast and forgot my toothbrush, better safe than sorry. He notices my presence. 'Hi...' pause as I search my memory banks 'Shane.' He grins, impishly and nods. I've never met anyone who has his ability to looke so charmingly teasing as he. It takes my breath away. But being a church brother, I've long since designated him off-limits. Realistic as I am, I would make a very disappointing wife for a church brother. 'Could you lend me 10 NT? I owe library dues.'

    He digs in his small wallet for the coin and hands it to me. I smile, mutter thanks, and skip in delight away to the pile of books I'd set aside for my taking home.

Monday, 28 June 2010

  • Entrepreneurship and ADD

    I just saw this talk by Cameron Herold about training kids to be entrepreneurs.
    The summary interested me because it talked about how we could utilize kids who are bored or failing in class.
    I've had friends who are like this - amazingly interesting, funny, creative, just-do-it people who years later are being dragged down by a school system that considers them stupid. I just don't think it's fair.
    And after watching the talk, I recalled how I would squirm in class, unable to stay on my chair, prance around the room when no one was watching, easily fall asleep in class or while reading textbooks I wasn't interested in (I still do). So I checked out an ADD quiz on-line. 

    http://psychcentral.com/addquiz.htm

    Results of your
    Attention Deficit Disorder Quiz

    Serious ADHD Likely!

    You scored a total of  88 

    It is highly likely that you are presently suffering from adult attention deficit disorder, according to your responses on this self-report questionnaire. You should not take this as a diagnosis of any sort, or a recommendation for treatment. However, it would be advisable and likely beneficial for you to seek further diagnosis from a trained mental health professional immediately.
    The saving grace of me was my love of reading, cultured at a young age when I couldn't fit in to other kids' games and social structure. Kids are amazing precocious at a young age - already my peers in elementary school had formed cliques, while I was still daydreaming. This is why I've gotten so far - the second best high school in Kaohsiung, and a biology major in college. It's because I found learning interesting. I also have my parents to thank. If they made me sit in a seat for hours studying I wouldn't have stood for it. But as it was I was allowed a certain amount of freedom - to get up when I was getting too antsy, to write in my notebook whenever a new idea concerning the book I was studying occurred to me (half the time the idea didn't seem immediately connected with the lesson at hand). 
    And my love of reading has helped me become more aware of myself, in control of my emotions and actions. I think more before I speak. I am not easily angered by people because I can empathize. The things I still haven't gotten in control of is being restless. Not being able to sit still studying for more than an hour, or thinking of other things after 20 minutes. I've been able to wait in line for years because I always bring a book along. If I don't I would be twisting around. In gym class if the teacher is instructing us all my classmates would be standing still while while I'd practice juggling tennis balls. I know it's acutely embarrassing to be doing silly things like that, but my resolve to stand still fades so quickly I forget why I started to do it. I get easily bored. If the teacher isn't pitching questions at me I fall asleep easily in class. I always felt like I was mentally disabled because my classmates could maintain their attention for longer periods than I could. And if you gave me a long list of complicated instructions I was likely to drop more than half the first time you talk it through with me. 
    Unfortunately loving reading cannot help one get through college if college maintains the same teaching methods as highschool in Taiwan. And that is unfortunately the case. I am losing my love of biology. Classes are so boring and projects so unchalllenging I don't think much of doing them. I worry about what I'm going to do because the list of recommended respectable careers is short. 

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Mignonchang

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    • Name: Mignon
    • Location: Kaohsiung, Taiwan
    • Birthday: 1/7/1988
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 6/15/2005

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  • Those observations are but foul Which make me wise to lose my soul Henry Vaughan.

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  • moritheil
    It's sort of like another Pulse. I think it predates Pulse.
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    eh? What's this?